CANTO II - Hys Fyve Rules

 

“My First - but don’t suppose,” he said,

“I’m setting you a riddle -

Is - if your Victim be in bed,

Don’t touch the curtains at his head,

But take them in the middle,

 

“And wave them slowly in and out,

While drawing them asunder;

And in a minute’s time, no doubt,

He’ll raise his head and look about

With eyes of wrath and wonder.

 

“And here you must on no pretence

Make the first observation.

Wait for the Victim to commence:

No Ghost of any common sense

Begins a conversation.

 

“If he should say ‘How came you here?’

(The way that you began, Sir,)

In such a case your course is clear -

On the bat’s back, my little dear!’

Is the appropriate answer.

 

“If after this he says no more,

You’d best perhaps curtail your

Exertions - go and shake the door,

And then, if he begins to snore,

You’ll know the thing’s a failure.

 

“By day, if he should be alone -

At home or on a walk -

You merely give a hollow groan,

To indicate the kind of tone

In which you mean to talk.

 

“But if you find him with his friends,

The thing is rather harder.

In such a case success depends

On picking up some candle-ends,

Or butter, in the larder.

 

“With this you make a kind of slide

(It answers best with suet),

On which you must contrive to glide,

And swing yourself from side to side -

One soon learns how to do it.

 

“The Second tells us what is right

In ceremonious calls:-

First burn a blue or crimson light

(A thing I quite forgot to-night),

Then scratch the door or walls.’”

 

I said “You’ll visit here no more,

If you attempt the Guy.

I’ll have no bonfires on my floor -

And, as for scratching at the door,

I’d like to see you try!”

 

“The Third was written to protect

The interests of the Victim,

And tells us, as I recollect,

To treat him with a grave respect,

And not to contradict him.”

 

“That’s plain,” said I, “as Tare and Tret,

To any comprehension:

I only wish some Ghosts I’ve met

Would not so constantly forget

The maxim that you mention!”

 

“Perhaps,” he said, “you first transgressed

The laws of hospitality:

All Ghosts instinctively detest

The Man that fails to treat his guest

With proper cordiality.

 

“If you address a Ghost as ‘Thing!’

Or strike him with a hatchet,

He is permitted by the King

To drop all formal parleying -

And then you’re sure to catch it!

 

“The Fourth prohibits trespassing

Where other Ghosts are quartered:

And those convicted of the thing

(Unless when pardoned by the King)

Must instantly be slaughtered.

 

“That simply means ‘be cut up small’:

Ghosts soon unite anew.

The process scarcely hurts at all -

Not more than when you’re what you call

‘Cut up’ by a Review.

 

“The Fifth is one you may prefer

That I should quote entire:-

The King must be addressed asSir.’

This, from a simple courtier,

Is all the Laws require:

 

But, should you wish to do the thing

With out-and-out politeness,

Accost him asMy Goblin King!

And always use, in answering,

The phraseYour Royal Whiteness!’

 

“I’m getting rather hoarse, I fear,

After so much reciting :

So, if you don’t object, my dear,

We’ll try a glass of bitter beer -

I think it looks inviting.”